IS SEX FAR TOO OVERRATED?
* Dear Mr. King,
My wife of 10 years is no longer interested in sex. For the past six years, we have had sex about twice per year. Yea, I know this sounds unbelievable, but it is true. Has her desire for me/us decreased in the last past six years? Have I gotten more interested in other things—nonsexual and self-sexual pleasure? I try to forget about the decrease in sex and fill my life with lots of exercise and daddy-time with the kids. But I get lonely and depressed even when I’m smiling.
I have never been tempted to cheat on her, but I have needs that are not being met, and I’m about to explode (literally—physically, mentally and emotionally]. What do you suggest?
I need some bad,
Chicago, IL
*** Dear I need some bad,
Man, you must be in GREAT shape, and your kids must be so engaged that they feel quite guilty of robbing you of all your time (smile). Bro, get it together!
First, if you have not already, I suggest that you talk with your wife—communication is an integral part of a relationship. Share with her your frustrations and desires; ask that she share hers with you. If your wife can not talk with you on the rationale behind “restricted sex” then you should seek professional counseling.
Although I am not sure of your ages, I will assume that you are a mature couple (in terms of commitment). As relationships grow older, you have to be innovative in your approach to not only sex. You have to focus on intimacy. Biologically, as we age our desire and hormone levels decrease and we lose the intensity for sexual activities. However, low hormonal levels should not influence the fertility of a marriage.
I am so proud that you have not cheated on her—that speaks volumes to your level of love and commitment to yourself, your wife and family.
You all have been playin’ long enough. Be honest, be open and believe (in marital dialogue.
-JL
Is SEX overrated?
Hell to the naw! Sex is important, it is the origin of life and the process by which we are fruitful and multiply. Sex is the foundation of intimate relationships and allows for uncensored, passionate and memorable interactions. It’s power, possessive and can be abused.
According to a number of studies, sex is the second most issue that destroys intimate interpersonal relationship, especially marriages (money is number one). Lack of either of them can be a strain on a relationship, especially now-a-days. “No finance no romance.” LOL.
I receive letters from men and women from all over the world sharing their personal stories ranging from discrete encounters with the same sex to fetishes. Ninety percent of the emails concern sex: activities, encounters, positions and requests. Most women want to know, “how to perform oral sex?” And how to control the intensity of intercourse? And how to say ‘No” to anal sex despite pressure from him?” And, most of the men want suggestions on how best to communicate with their spouse or partner.
The other 10% of emails are on relationships, sexual orientation and trends in the social paradigm. In the African American community, we don’t talk about sex. We just do it. When I was married for more than seven years, my wife and I had a wonderful, active and satisfying sex life. We were young and in love, and it was great. We would have sex two and sometimes three times a day even after the kids came. When I became single, my sex life increased. I was free to explore all the fantasies that I suppressed when I was married. I have wondered if I had shared those “freaky” thoughts with my ex-wife, would we still be married. In fact, I’ve asked my ex-wife if I had shared with her my bisexual desires would she had stayed with me and she surprising said…YES! All she wanted was a choice, and not for me to make that choice for her…but that is a different topic for a different column. (stay tuned)
Sex is a personal thing and it should not be put on the back burner if you are not getting it or enough of it. If you are in a relationship and you are not satisfied with your sex life, tell your partner and work it out. As long as you keep it to yourself, the more it is going to cause the relationship major problems.
With the spread of HIV and other STDs, committed couples need to work out their sexual needs at home. When you start “creeping” outside the home, you will bring opportunities that can and will destroy a family.
Don’t let five minutes (well, let’s hope the sex last a lil bit longer) of passion result in a positive test results.
Should you make time for sex in relationship or just let if happen, even if it’s once a month? Should you create a “standing appointment” with your spouse? Do you have sex with someone even if suspect and in some instances know they have a STD or HIV/AIDS?
I look forward to your thoughts.Email me: kingsecrets@aol.com
